Welp, I am a year postpartum, and breastfeeding is going well thank goodness. Honestly, I would have to say that this time was much more uncertain. Micha does not have the best latch even though I have tried soooo many times to correct it. He did have ties and I had those revised as well, though this had almost no effect on the pain of breast feeding him. With C it was night and day... with him, I wonder if I should have just left them and took a chance. I say this because I didn't even know about ties with C, so she was not revised until about 2 months PP. With Micha, well, I was much more prepared for everything. For instance, I had a doula this time around and I am grateful for that... but getting his revision done early, and not seeing much improvement has been hard. At this point I am just used to it. He even has molars coming in now (which for C made her strike but for Micha, well let’s just say he has doubled down).
But postpartum is not JUST about breastfeeding, is it? No, it’s about family and how babies tend to bring them together. Children have this magical way of being the glue. But family is a loaded word and now that me and Coraline are starting to get into our family tree and talk about relatives, she has become increasingly interested in reaching out to them. How then do we as parents begin to unravel all the emotions that we have just pushed down for a decade (maybe more, am I right?). I mean, we are trying to teach our kids about emotional awareness; why then is it so difficult for me to explain to my 5-year-old that "We don't talk about Bruno" (lol, sorry it was too tempting not to place here).
I mean, is it okay to cut ties with "Family" and if there is a "yes, BUT..." who determines how much is too much? I think this question is a very divisive one. You have those who say that you will regret not fostering a connection with family members, and others who have been on the receiving end of the abuse who say, nooo I don't think I will. I can't figure out where my horse is in this race. And, will I?
Tonight is a normal night and I just happened to wake up and remembered I needed to add the Haaka to my shopping cart, so I was in the living room on the computer when my daughter walks out. I put my computer down (even though I had literally just picked it up) and walked her to bed, then laid with her so that she could fall back to sleep. When out of nowhere as I am in that fog, you know the place where you feel like you could just drift off to sleep but you are trying very hard not too? Yeah, that place! I was there, and I was reminding myself that I did not want to fall asleep in her room because my other little one who is still waking at night would be needing me soon... and then I had a thought, one that could not be unthunk.
"We would probably talk about flowers."
Now if you know me, you know that my garden - though a complete work in progress, is my pride. I work very hard on it and really adore watching plants, animals, and bugs get on with life. But so does my dad. I am pretty sure he is the one that sparked my joy of plants and gardening in general. He would talk to anyone about gardening and all the upcoming projects on his list, and that meant I heard about it all the time! Over the years we have just stopped conversing. Things have happened, words exchanged, and an entire childhood of pain and resentment tend to pile up. So as many in my position do, I have pulled away. I won't claim I am perfect, and I don't want to make this a story about me so I will leave it at that. But here I am in the middle of the night and this thought, "We would probably talk about flowers" comes to my head and I am sad. It’s a thought that you have after your family insists you will regret not keeping in contact when your parent (in my case) or other family member pass on. Would I regret not speaking with him? Not making it a point to go see him? And to that, all I can say is, up until this night, I did not miss him. I have not spoken to him for 2 years and in that time, the occasions he has crossed my mind were not because of good thoughts. I have been sad for my children, not myself. I have just a small relationship with him, tattered like an old flag just waving in the wind. But I know my dad is not the same person he was when I was a young child, and I hoped that he would have one of those redeeming stories. I romanticized him aggressively trying to make up for all the shit parenting and be an awesome grandparent. But sadly, he is not.
Just to back step a tiny bit, even with our relationship being a semi okay piece of candy that has just dropped on the floor and is kinda covered in crap, but could also be easily washed since it is a hard candy, but it’s like that old timely butterscotch kind... (Am I making any sense here? bahaha) What I am trying to say is that even though me and my dad are not really speaking to each other, I have never told him that he was not allowed to see his grandkids. Yet, I have never gone out of my way to arrange for him to see them either. In fact, he has yet to meet my baby. So where does this leave me? I don't know where I stand on this one, and maybe I will regret not reaching out, but I am also stubborn. The apple don't fall far from the tree on this one and like him, a game of stalemate seems to be our current position on this ish (sarcastic eye roll). Not only do well intentioned family members remind me that I will regret it, but home school is bringing him up as well.
My daughter has asked about him and I have candidly answered her questions, but it has not gone much further than that. I am very honest with her about how my childhood was and how I try every day to do better with the knowledge I have. Yet here I am, trying to determine how to move forward from this pluff mud playground. Just knees deep in trauma and I am supposed to just go over there to appease him; I am just supposed to act okay even when my entire brain wants me to shout and create quite the hullabaloo!? I think not! But I also think that it would be nice for him to see his grandkids, and again - I have never been against this. I just feel my heart breaking for them when they are let down... because, will he let them down? I know he has me... I mean, I Facebook invited him to my kids’ birthday party and he did not show - but then again, I kinda know he is an old timer who can't be bothered by such things as Facebook. So, then I must ask myself, should I have done more? Should I have reached out by text? To these questions I have only more questions. I stand at the bottom of this abyss and honestly, I am just waiting, waiting for him to reach out to me. Hoping that he would just step up to the plate and be the one who makes the effort.
I am awash with too many emotions to count but at the bottom of my abyss, there is clarity because I also know that some of my favorite things in life were easily inspired by him. My love of gardening in particular came directly from his DNA. It is hard wired in me, and I know that I owe that passion to him and all the times he would word-vomit all his plans for his yard. Come to think of it, my ability to just not shut up probably comes from him too (lol). I think it would be nice, but I am also still very uncertain. Then I think to myself, when it comes to building bridges...
We could talk about flowers.